Politico Gets Hands on Tonight's SNL Opener

Politico has gotten its hand on the purported transcript of tonight's opener, which would see Fred play Faisal Shahzad and Maya Rudolph play his interpreter.

FRED: Good afternoon. My name is Faisal Shahzad, and I am here today because I can no longer remain silent about the injustices I have suffered, and continue to suffer. Injustices at the hands of the United States government, which has unfairly accused me of crimes that I did not commit. And worse, injustices at the hands of the American news media, which has grossly invaded my privacy, and lied about me at every turn. They have written embarrassing and inaccurate stories about my home foreclosure. They have delved into the break-up of my marriage. And most hurtful of all, they have continued to describe the car bomb on which I worked so hard, in the cruelest terms imaginable.

“Crude.” “Primitive.” “Thirdrate.” “Rudimentary.” “Poorly constructed.” “Unsophisticated.” “Amateurish.” “Rough.” “Unrefined.” “Inexpert.” “Unprofessional.” “Obviously not well thought-out.” “Impractical.” “Illconceived.” “Woefully inadequate.” “Substandard.” “Inept.” “Unworkmanlike.” “Slapdash.” “Bungling.” “Childlike.” "Not even close to workable.” “Low-end.” “The kind of device you’d find in the sale bin at a Mexican KMart.” "Useless.” “Ineffective.” “An embarrassment.” “Reminiscent of a first grade science project.” “Worthless.” “Bargain basement.” “Bushleague.” “Bottom-of-thebarrel.” “Pathetic.” “Resembling word I had not seen before, but which apparently means, 'Causing, or being worthy of ridicule." “Just plain pitiful.” “An unmitigated disaster.” “Like something from a Road Runner cartoon.”

At this point, Maya Rudolph whispers, "I think we've covered this."

Fred Armisen goes on to say that, as a result of his tough week, "I no longer find pleasure in hobbies and interests I previously enjoyed, such as soccer, and bomb making."

"And for those in the press, who are so critical of my work, I have a question. How do you even know it was an explosive device? Maybe it was never intended to blow up. Alright, fine, it was an explosive device. Happy now?"